No, no, no. A thousand times, no!
Fleischman, do not be such a stick-in-the-mud!
Where's your sense of adventure? Are you deaf?
I mean, do you not understand the English language? N- O, forget it!
End of discussion. Please!
Fleischman. Fleischman, please.
It is my Grammy's 80th birthday.
It's just two days. Two days. All expenses paid, it will not cost you a dime.
Everything's on me. You know, you are unbelievable.
I just can't believe, all this trouble and expense...
so you just don't have to face your family without a boyfriend in tow.
Great Middle Eastern food in Detroit, Fleischman.
Lamb kebabs, baba ganoush, tabouli.
What happened to Mikey, huh?
Doesn't want to miss his mung bean harvest?
Or maybe a weekend in Detroit didn't exactly light his lamp either.
Fleischman, you know he cannot survive the sealed environment of an airplane.
Besides, the monoxides in Detroit would kill him.
O'Connell, I am not going.
You know, if it was a weekend in Hawaii or Hong Kong, London...
maybe I'd do you a favor, but we're talking Detroit.
What do they call it? "Cleveland without the glitter"?
There is nothing that you or anybody else could say...
to make me want to spend a weekend in Detroit.
Are you sure about that, Fleischman?
What are those? Tickets.
To what? Pistons.
Those are Pistons tickets? Detroit Pistons tickets?
Mmm-hmm.
Nah. Nice try, though.
Let's see, what does it say here?
"Detroit Pistons vs. New York Knickerbockers. "
The Knicks?
You got Knicks-Pistons tickets?
Floor seats, center court.
Let me see these. Let me see 'em.
Where did you get these?
You can't get these.
These are floor seats, Knicks-Pistons, center court.
Boat leaves Saturday morning, don't forget your toothbrush.
No, Mother, it's fine you're not meeting us.
No, I'm not just saying that, really. We need a car anyway.
What? Airbags?
Okay, Mom, we'll get a car with airbags.
Who?
The McCaffrey sisters, yeah. Reverend Harding, yeah.
Mom, this isn't really the time to go over the guest list, okay?
We're kind of in a hurry. Yes, blue tablecloth.
Okay, Mother, I think we're getting a bad connection.
I'll see you later, Mother. Bye!
What am I doing? Why?
Who am I kidding, I mean, why do I think...
every time I go home, it's gonna be different?
Boy, this guy, Mason, that the Knicks got from New Jersey?
I don't know why they let him go. The guy's a jewel.
He starts tonight, him and Ewing in the middle.
There's going to be a wall around the paint.
Well, it'll be worth it to see my Grammy.
I mean, after all, she is going to be 80 years old.
She's really sweet. I love her.
She used to let me stay up late and play gin rummy.
You know, I got to tell you, O'Connell, I've had good seats before.
I saw the NCAA Eastern Regionals from second row loge...
but I never sat on the floor.
I mean, you're gonna have to towel Patrick Ewing's sweat off my face.
You know, it's just my mother.
She's relentless. She's like a perpetual motion emotional machine.
She just doesn't let up.
And then, of course, there's Jeffy.
Mr. Trickle-Down economics. Your brother.
Oh, I forgot, you'll probably like him, Fleischman.
Let's put this into perspective, okay?
Whatever happens with kith or kin, you are going to have yourself...
one hell of a seminal basketball experience.
Yeah, I just wish I had a normal family.
Like, I don't know, Garry Trudeau.
Yeah, him and Jane Pauley.
Now, there is a nice family.
Don't flatter yourself. Your family is no crazier...
than any other American nuclear unit, believe me.
Oh yeah? Well, what would you say to a father who, at 58 years old...
quits his job and buys a buffalo ranch in South Dakota?
I'd say, I would not be surprised if he had a daughter...
who was a bush pilot in the wilds of Alaska.
Fine, Fleischman, fine.
Psychologically, separation is all part of becoming a normal, healthy adult.
And eventually, we all grow up and we realize that we're all loony...
in our own unique and highly individualized ways.
Maybe you're right.
Shall we get this show on the road?
Yeah. Great.
I'll grab this. Okay.
I like it. Fleischman...
I do.
I mean, these people are clearly comfortable...
being in the upper 10th of 1%.
Is this yours here? Yep.
It's nice.
That one's nice, too.
Yeah, that's the Bennetts'.
Kelleys' across the street.
That Colonial is the Greens'.
And where would the Greenbergs be?
Greenbergs? Yeah.
I don't remember any Greenbergs.
What?
No Greenbergs, no Greenblatts.
I'll bet there isn't a Jew within 10 radial miles of here.
Fleischman, that is not true. We have Jews.
Name one. Debbie Ellis, she was Jewish.
Ellis? Uh-uh. That's not a Jewish name, O'Connell.
She was Jewish, I'm sure of it. Her father or somebody.
Besides, she was you know... What?
Smart. Smart and funny.
Hello!
Hey! Maggie!
Hi. Hi.
Oh, you made it. Yes.
Oh, you look wonderful.
I don't know what your mom's talking about, I love your hair that way.
It's so cute.
This is, Dr. Joel Fleischman. Fleischman, this is my sister-in-law, Stephie.
Hi. Hi. Hi.
So, what's going on? Where's Grammy? Upstairs.
Upstairs? Mmm-hmm.
Well, yeah, your mom's upstairs, too.
Steph, here's your pocketbook.
I can't find a Kleenex.
Whoa, hey. Hey.
Hey, squirrel-face. Oh.
Squirrel-face.
Jeffy, long time no see, huh? Yeah.
This is Dr. Joel Fleischman, This is Jeffery O'Connell, my brother.
Hi. Hi, how are you?
Jeffy. Jeffy.
So, Mom and Grammy are upstairs? Yeah, for hours, now.
She's all right, isn't she? Oh, yeah.
Nothing a straitjacket and a week in the booby hatch wouldn't fix.
Oh, Mom?
Any progress? Oh, not one whit!
Oh! Mary Margaret.
Hey, Mother.
Oh, I'm so glad you're here.
Did you remember to take Oak Grove like I told you to?
They've had Mills Road torn up for six months now.
Yes, Mother. Mother, what's going on?
Your grandmother's locked herself in the bathroom.
Of all days to pull a stunt like this!
Joel, so glad to see you could make it. Thank you.
Oh, here, let's put these in the closet.
All right, I got it.
Mother? Mother?
Mother? Mother!
Grammy locked herself in the bathroom? Mmm-hmm.
Why? Why did Grammy lock herself in the bathroom? It's beyond me.
But everybody came, and I went up...
and she was in the bathroom and she wouldn't come out.
I have been up and down these stairs three times.
I've run out of ideas.
Why don't you take a crack at her, dear?
Yeah, come on.
Jeffy!
Grammy.
Grammy, what's going on?
Are you okay? Who is it?
Well, it's me. Mary Margaret.
Is that you, Mary Margaret?
Yeah, Grammy, it's me. What are you doing here?
Well, it was supposed to be a surprise.
Are you coming down anytime soon? No.
Well, can I come in?
Are you alone?
Jane, take all your busy-bees and clear out of here...
or I am going to turn on all the faucets...
and flood this house, do you hear me?
Yes, Mother.
The old battle-ax.
Okay, Grammy, they're gone, it's just me.
Okay, come in, quick!
Your mother threatened to call the fire department...
like I was a stray cat up a tree.
Grammy, what's going on?
I mean, are you okay?
I'm looking for a match, you don't happen to have one, do you?
A match? No.
Look, Grammy, look, everybody's downstairs.
Don't you want to go downstairs? No, you go on ahead.
I don't wanna go.
Are you okay?
I'm fine, dear.
I just... I don't know.
I came in here to do my hair, and I simply didn't feel like going.
Maybe I couldn't face the thought of another honey ham.
Well, you look pretty, Grammy. You really do.
Look what I found in the medicine chest.
An old bottle of lilac water. Now, what was it doing in the chest?
Who uses it anymore?
I don't know, it's always been there, though.
My mother used to slop it all over herself.
Oh, it's turned.
Pretty bottle. You want it?
No, I don't think so.
Me neither.
Would you do me a favor? Mmm-hmm.
I have some matches under my pillow.
Matches underneath your pillow?
Well, I smoke at night when everybody's sleeping. Would you get them for me?
Grammy, you know smoking's bad for you.
I'm 80 years old, Mary Margaret. What could happen?
Okay, all right. I'll get you an ashtray, too.
See you in a bit.
So tell us, Joel, how did you and Mary Margaret meet?
Well, you know...
a town of 849 people...
I couldn't not meet her.
Isn't that interesting?
I take it, Joel, you're not one of these...
snowshoe and dog sled kooks like my sis.
No, not me. I'm actually fulfilling a contractual obligation...
to the State of Alaska. There's a little dispute over the length of service, but...
I don't get it. What exactly is she doing up there?
This plane-flying thing. What's that, some Amelia Earhart complex?
Anyone for a deviled egg? They're yummy.
Joel? Oh, no, thanks.
Take a look around here, Joel.
Please.
What do you think is so wrong with this place?
Streets too clean?
Not enough junk cars parked on the lawn?
I think it's time little Mary Margaret...
turned in her Eurail pass and her knapsack...
and took her place in the car pool.
Why would you say that, Jeffy?
I think she's very brave to set off on her own like that.
I'm very proud of her. Brave?
Everybody knows it's the loose screws that leave home, Stephie.
The malcontents, the misfires.
The square pegs.
I'll get it. I mean, am I wrong, Joel?
Well- Excuse me.
Fleischman? Is that German?
Oh, yeah, actually. Yiddish German.
You know, Joel...
Reverend Harding's father, Reverend Harding...
was our pastor for 42 years until he passed on last year.
We like to say Dwight went into the family business.
Joel. Hey, Joel, get over here, come here.
I want you to meet a close friend of the family.
Jed Fleming, this is Dr. Joel Fleischman.
How do you do? Good, how you doing?
This is my sister's new hedge against inflation.
Dragged him down here all the way from Alaska.
Is that right? Didn't know Maggie was bringing somebody.
Cold one for you, Jedster? That would be great. Thanks, Jeffy.
Sorry I'm late. I was putting a new hull on the Fortune Five.
It's a 48-footer, three masts. Nice little schooner. Nice.
Deviled egg? Definitely. Thanks.
Sure? Yeah.
Whoa. Whoops.
Here you go. Thanks.
Mrs. Reed, deviled egg?
So, where's Maggie? Good question.
Yeah, he was a lot of fun.
Well, was he a keeper?
Rick? A keeper?
Well, you know, if he hadn't been smooshed by that satellite...
were there marriage plans on the horizon?
Marriage, with Rick?
It's not so uncommon, is it?
Well, no, I guess not. I mean, we talked, but it was just talk.
What kind of talk is that?
Well, you know, big wedding, small wedding, how many kids, that sort of thing.
But it was never really serious.
I mean, I never got a ring or anything like that.
Oh, I'm sorry. No, no, no.
Really, I didn't care. Why not?
Well, I cared, but I just didn't "care," care, you know.
Besides, at his funeral, this other girlfriend shows up.
And then I find out he had a different one for each day of the week.
Anyway, even before that, I didn't care, really. Truthfully, I didn't.
About marriage.
Well, at least to him.
Good for you.
Mother. This is it!
Jane, do you have wax in your ears? I told you to go away!
Mother, this has gone on long enough.
Now, I'm putting the ham on the table...
The buffet is set and we are lighting that cake in five minutes flat.
She's bluffing. She was planning to eat at 4:00, anyway.
I am not kidding! Now, this has... This has ceased to be humorous.
Mary Margaret, are you still in there?
Yes, Mother. Good.
Now, you get your grandmother downstairs right now, or I'll...
Well, I don't know what I'll do, but this is not very nice.
Jane, I said go away, leave me alone.
Scram, scat!
That is just incredibly rude.
I think that did it.
Oh, I'm almost out.
You know, maybe I better go smooth her feathers.
She always made me feel guilty, too.
Mother? Well, don't be surprised.
She's been pulling that ever since she was a little girl.
Poor Jane, always getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop.
Passive-aggressive.
That what they call it? Mmm.
Can I have a puff?
Well, don't hot box it. Okay. I won't.
Well, we know one thing for sure.
What's that?
We won't run out of mayonnaise.
Tell me something, what don't you guys put this stuff on?
The way you spread it around, you'd think it was mortar.
I guess.
Say, Joel, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
$465 a month after taxes.
No, I'm not married and I haven't had sex in two years.
You said personal.
Oh, no, I had a different sort of question in mind.
Yeah, shoot. Okay.
It seems to me, and correct me if I'm wrong...
but the practice of Judaism is a system of ethical behavior.
You follow the law. I mean, there's no thought about an eternal reward.
Eternal reward? What, you mean like heaven?
Right, and don't get me wrong...
I like the idea of goodness for it's own sake...
but on the other hand, doesn't it, well, gnaw at you...
the thought that there's no afterlife? That this is it.
That when we die, there's nothing.
I mean, even if that were true...
how do you live with that?
How can you stand it?
Huh.
Well, you know...
I'll tell you, Reverend, I mean, speaking for myself...
not as a spokesperson for the entire Jewish faith...
because, I mean, it would be impossible.
Because, well, when was the last time you heard 10 Jews agree on anything?
Except maybe Israel, but for me, Reverend...
for me, the fact that when we die...
we are nothing more than worm meat...
I just don't think about it.
Oh, good, everyone's helping themselves.
We can be happy, can't we, even if Mother won't come down?
Excuse me, Mrs. O'Connell, is there a phone that I can use?
I just want to call that box office and double-check on the tip-off time.
Yes, it's right through that door. Great, thank you. Excuse me.
Hi.
Excuse me, I was just told I could use this phone here.
Oh, please, go ahead, don't mind me.
Are you all right? Yes.
I just hate him so much. Who?
Jeffy.
Oh.
Do you know what he said today?
He said, "Maybe you wouldn't cry so much if you had a job. "
A job. You know, he's the one who told me he did not want me to work.
I would have worked.
I mean, I know I cry a lot. I know that.
But I didn't used to.
Can I get you anything, maybe a glass of water, aspirin or something?
I'm leaving him tomorrow, but don't tell anyone. You promise?
Okay.
Because nobody knows. Okay.
So, you can't tell anyone, okay?
Who would I tell?
But...
You know what? Maybe...
I'll bet there's another phone in another room...
I'll just... I'll leave you alone.
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, that's great, that's great.
Oh, God.
So what did Dr. Swaney say?
Oh, I didn't go to Swaney. He would just have found something wrong.
But Grammy, they can do incredible things these days.
They could put in a whole new knee.
And when would it stop? My knee? My hip? My heart?
I'm 80 years old. Of course my cartilage is wearing out.
But my important organs just keep chugging along.
It's embarrassing.
What do you think of this watch?
Oh, your engagement watch. It's beautiful.
Here, take it.
No. No, no, no, no, Grammy. You can have it.
It was... No, I can't take this.
I never liked it.
Pink gold. I wanted yellow gold. Nobody wore pink gold.
I don't know what he was thinking.
See? it's the wrong tone for my skin color, too.
All he had to do was look.
Well, you could have exchanged it.
I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
The ironic thing is that everything is pink gold today...
everywhere you look. Not yellow gold, pink gold like that one.
Are you thirsty? I could use a drink.
You want to go down now?
Do you?
No.
Everybody I want to see is dead.
First the men, one by one.
Now, even the widows are dying off.
I'm the only one here.
I don't even know what I'm doing here.
Grammy.
But I'm so glad you're here.
Your poor grandfather.
He would have gotten such a kick out of you.
Where the hell is Stephie?
Typical. She told mom she'd help.
Now, who's fixing the ice and filling the drinks?
I'm so sick of her episodes.
She's about that far away...
Typical...
So, Joel, what kind of medicine do you do?
It's a general practice. Smart.
Get out of med school, you hit the ground running.
Don't have to waste all those extra years sub-specializing.
Well, actually I did a sub in pulmonary diseases.
Pulmonary? Lungs.
You know, asthma, emphysema, everything related to those things.
Oh, yeah.
What do you do? Stock market.
Have a little brokerage here in town.
Little? Jedster's got 20 guys in the bullpen.
Hasn't done me any harm.
I've got a lot of doctors for clients.
Ever want to put together a portfolio, give me a buzz.
Oh, okay, thanks.
You know, I used to date Maggie. Did you know that?
No, I didn't know that.
Yeah, summer of '86.
We had a pretty heavy thing going. There's a step at the bottom.
She never mentioned it.
No?
Girl's a regular water rat. Fearless sailor.
When gets her hand on that tiller, you can't pry them off.
You sail?
No, I row.
Oh, damn it!
Let me help you there.
What is so hard about fixing an ice maker?
My mother has enough time for 16 divorce seminars...
and she can't call a repairman?
Hey Joel, why don't you and Maggie come down to the marina tomorrow?
I'll show you the boat, take you out on a tour.
Oh, we can't, we've got an early flight.
Well, let's go by the club later for a drink. You know, after we blow the candles out.
They got a good jazz band on the weekends.
Tonight? No! We've got tickets to the Pistons game.
I'm selling a lot of macaroni salad today.
I think it's the chopped gherkin pickles.
No way, Mom. It's the mayo.
How's that coming, Joel? I'm so sorry. It was cranberry juice.
Oh, try a little of this.
Here.
Oh, you're doing the ice. Uh-huh.
You and Stephie are my Rocks of Gibraltar.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
Bring out with the ice, would you, dear? Okay.
Oh, and don't let the Reverend sit out there by himself for too long.
So, Joel, you're a basketball fan?
Oh, big time. Roundball, that's my game.
Is that right? Oh, yeah.
Do you play, or you just like to watch? No, I play.
Well, it's getting kind of slow around here, I mean, they've got a board out back.
What do you say? It might be kind of fun to shoot some.
Ball?
Hey, what am I talking about? You've been on a plane all day. You're probably beat.
No, I feel all right.
Yeah? Yeah.
Good. I'll take a whiz and see you at courtside.
Great. Jeffy?
What do you say, Jeffy?
Nah, you guys go ahead. Mom needs me.
Yeah, you sure? Uh-huh.
The balls and the basket are under there.
Hey, you got any sneaks, Joel?
Yeah, actually I do.
Watch out, he's murder in the paint.
Hey, sis. Jeffy.
Hey, Fleischman.
Well, it's about time!
Cigarettes. Where the hell you been?
Did you get her down yet? No, she doesn't want to come down.
What do you mean, she doesn't want to come down? You gotta get her down.
Come on, let's get this show on the road, all right?
Cake and ice cream. She'll blow out the candles.
We have three hours till tip-off, all right?
You know, Fleischman, it's the most amazing thing.
I've always thought of my Grammy as just my Grammy.
But now I'm knowing her as this fellow person. As a woman.
Oh, well, that's just peachy, you know. I'm thrilled for you and your Grammy.
But you've abandoned me here in a house full of strangers...
with yet another one of your ex-boyfriends. Ex-boyfriend?
Yeah, Jed. Oh, Jed, yeah.
Everyone wanted me to marry Jed.
Aha. Aha, what?
That would explain why he wants to rip my heart out...
and stomp on it while it's still beating.
Fleischman, what are you raving about now?
Well, old Jedster is still carrying a major blowtorch for you.
Don't be ridiculous.
All right, Scotch, bourbon, glasses, ice.
Fleischman, just be a big boy and try to have a good time.
Wait, get back here. Where are you going?
Two hours and we're out of here, you understand that?
Grammy's thirsty. Have a nice game.
Sneakers.
What do you say? Straight up or rebound takes it out?
Straight up's fine.
You sure? I got a few inches on you.
Straight up's fine.
Hey, I'm impressed. Left-handed, how did you pick it up?
My Aunt Ruth, when I was 12. Your Aunt Ruth?
Took me to a Van Cliburn concert at Carnegie Hall.
I didn't even know what the program was, it was like Schubert or Rachmaninoff.
To tell you the truth, I had a hard time staying awake...
but she kept poking me in the ribs, and she'd say...
"Joel, watch his left hand, it's as good as his right.
"If you want to play with the big boys, you gotta have a good left. "
Oh, yeah!
Hi, Stephie.
Do you mind? I just need to get a glass of water.
Oh, sure.
Well, everyone seems to be having a good time.
I'm leaving Jeffy.
Our marriage is over.
Oh.
Never should have married him in the first place...
but what else was I supposed to do?
There I was, a 20-year-old psych major.
A psych major.
I wasn't serious about a career.
I was in college to find a husband. And why not?
That's what I was brought up to do.
I tried to be a good wife, I really tried.
I'm sure you did. Six years.
What do I have to show for it?
We don't even have a child together.
Jeffy always said a baby would ruin my figure...
my waist would go, my breasts would fall, as if he would even notice.
You know, I have a body you could break bricks on.
My waist is as flat as a skillet, my breasts float...
and what do I do? I take courses.
Thai cooking, photography, folk dancing.
It would be really funny if it wasn't so pathetic.
Reverend, are you okay?
Yes. Please.
Thank you.
Reverend, your color's not very good.
No?
Oh, excuse me, I just have to get my shawl.
Is everything all right? Oh, fine.
We're just having a talk.
Oh, good. You know, the boys are having a fun game of basketball outside.
You don't want to miss it.
You okay there? You look a little flushed there, Fleischman.
I'd be a lot better if you weren't all over me like a cheap suit.
You didn't think I was just going to hand you those gimmes, right?
Well, I didn't think I'd be dealing with Bill Laimbeer, either.
Call it a day if you want.
Not on your life, Jedster.
Big air ball, big air ball.
Jeffy? Yeah, Mom.
I think you should know that Stephie's in the kitchen and her eyes were very red.
She's not near the knife drawer, is she? Oh, Jeffy.
Lock up all the flammable solvents.
I'm serious, Jeffy.
Look, Mom, you want to get serious?
Why don't you worry about the infrastructure around this place?
The garage roof has a hole in it the size of a bowling ball.
Look at this.
These are my hockey skates. They're ruined.
I'm sorry, dear, but your father took care of that end.
Maybe you should have thought about that before you served paper on him.
Somebody had to get off their duff.
There go the Olympics.
So, is Maggie still into those moonlight skinny-dips?
You and Maggie skinny-dipping, huh?
Well, I don't want to tell tales out of school or anything.
Can't be much to tell. And why is that?
'Cause all the guys that got lucky are sprouting daises about now.
Whoa!
Get him, Fleischman! Hit him where it hurts!
You too, Jedster, stick him.
Hey, Maggie. You look great. Thanks.
Me and Joel are just playing a little basketball down here.
Your hair, it's shorter. I like it.
Oh, you do, thanks.
I was just thinking about letting it grow, maybe.
Why don't you come on down?
Well, I'm a little busy up here right now.
Let's go, Romeo. Balcony scene's over. Come on!
Well, save me a few minutes, huh? Let's catch up on things.
Ta-ta, boys. Have fun.
Oh!
Yes. Yes.
Look at that. Hah!
He's actually having fun.
Who is that, dear? Fleischman.
Fleischman having fun? What a concept.
This woman is 50 years old.
It's hard to believe, she looks 35.
Oh, and this one, 53.
She doesn't look a day over 40.
What is that, Lear's? This one's Jane's.
You know, when we were 50, we looked 50, and that was that.
Nobody wants to look their age today.
Hmm.
I wonder why not. It's odd, isn't it?
Like, you see those old farts driving around in their convertibles.
Would you pass me the sherry, please?
How are your orgasms?
What? It says here...
"How are your orgasms, on a scale of 1 to 10?"
What about you, Maggie? 1 or 10?
Me?
What a question, huh?
But a big topic, sex.
I knew so many couples that were unhappy that way.
Bill and I used to tell each other how tremendously lucky we were.
Of course, we were novices when we started.
Oh, well, he'd been around a little bit, but...
It just got better and better.
We used to surprise ourselves sometimes.
You'd never think to look at us...
that the bad things that we did...
that were so good.
Mother, open this door this minute!
God, that woman is a pest.
Mother, look, we're just talking.
Can't you just leave us alone?
Look, you don't have to come out.
But, why can't I come in? Can't I?
Come on, let me in.
I promise, I won't do anything.
Maybe you better go. Really?
Oh, it's the sherry, I have to pee, dear.
Oh, okay.
Mom, coming out.
Jane, get away from the door.
Good God. Hello, Mother.
What is her problem? Is it me?
Is it? It is me, isn't it? No, Mother, it's not.
I'll tell you what it is. I wouldn't stop so she could buy lottery tickets.
I don't care what she says, I think it's appalling.
All those old people lined up at the convenience stores...
throwing their money away on those foolish things.
Mother, it isn't the lottery tickets, and I swear, it isn't you.
Well, what's going on in there, then? Why is she talking to you and not me?
I want you to know, Mary Margaret, it is not easy living with her.
With her Rush Limbaugh on the radio, and her TV blaring at all hours of the night.
Mother, look, we're just talking. We're just talking.
About what, then?
Sex.
Sex?
Sex.
All right, fine.
The two of you have fun at your little party in your little bathroom.
Excuse me, I have a house full of guests who need my attention.
What's the matter, you afraid to put it up from eight feet out?
Give me a sec. Come on.
Come on, shoot.
Come on. I'm going to the hole, Fleischman.
You get out of my way.
What happened?
Hey, are you all right?
I don't need to go to the hospital. It's probably just something I ate.
All that macaroni salad. You're going to be fine.
I know I'm going to be fine, I am fine.
Watch it, guys, watch your step. Watch your valuables, Jed.
When my good friend Betty went in for a hysterectomy...
they stole her pearl earrings.
Can I at least take these damn things out of my nose?
It looks like I've got emphysema or something.
He's going to be fine. He just needs a couple of tests.
The important thing is that his pulse is regular and it's strong.
My guess is it's angina. Maybe a little heart attack.
But it's possibly not even cardiac, so... I mean, we don't have to worry.
Poor Jed.
He just said he's gonna be fine, Stephie.
All my fault. Grown men playing games like little boys.
I should have put my foot down.
Hey, Jed!
Don't let those quacks boss you around. Make them give you a private room!
Bye-bye.
Is there anyone you want me to notify?
Just move my Lexus off the street.
The keys are in the kitchen next to the juicer.
Right.
Here, Jed. I cut you a nice big piece of cake.
Too bad you're going to miss Grammy blowing out the candles.
We would have put some ice cream on it but we thought it might melt.
Take care, dear. Bye-bye, Jed.
Bye, Jed.
Hi. Hi.
What a day. I feel so awful.
Aw, Reverend, come on.
That's probably the best thing that could have happened to Jed.
I wasn't talking about Jed.
I was talking about me. I am just not any good at trauma.
Emotional, I mean. How so?
Well...
people start to talk to me about their personal problems...
and I just want to run away.
I don't want to hear that they're, you know, cheating on their wives...
or that their children hate them.
I just want to flee.
Well, you know... That would definitely be a handicap in your line of work.
It is.
You should have seen my dad, Joel.
He was always at ease with people.
He said that I would get used to ministering.
I just needed to get my feet wet. Get some experience.
I haven't gotten used to it. If anything, it's just gotten harder.
You know, I remember this guy in...
my first year of medical school.
He was a smart guy, nice guy, but...
the day it came for us to pull the sheets back from our cadavers...
and, well, he just chucked all over his shoes.
But he got used to it.
No, no, he never did, actually.
I believe he went into pharmaceuticals.
Yes, that's okay.
You know, Stephie...
Mom's got enough problems with Grammy locking herself in the can...
without you getting her all worked up.
One day, just one day, you couldn't turn off the tap?
I'm leaving, Jeffy. Why?
Grammy's gotta come out. She can't sleep in there.
No, I'm leaving you.
Huh?
I got an apartment in Royal Oak.
What do you mean, you got an apartment? I got an apartment.
Two bedrooms and a balcony and I'm moving out.
Wait a minute.
You didn't put down a deposit, did you?
Tell... Please tell me you didn't sign anything.
A lease.
Oh, that's great. That's just great.
I'm going to have to go to Dan Ashland on Monday to get you out of it.
No, I don't want to get out of this apartment, Jeffy.
I want to get out of this marriage. Come on, Stephie.
Where do you think you're gonna go?
Where do you think you're gonna get a job?
What car did you think you were gonna take? Hey, forget the Jeep.
I don't want the Jeep! I hate the Jeep!
4 - wheel drive in the suburbs. We never go anywhere.
This is ridiculous. Yes, it is.
Stephie, you can't even write a check by yourself.
I mean, you can't get the garage door open.
You remember that time you waited all day for me to get home...
to go down and get your golf clubs out of the basement...
because you wouldn't go down there by yourself?
Well, apartments don't have basements.
Six weeks. You'll be back.
Hey, Stephie, what's going on?
Nothing.
Are you okay? Am I okay?
Yes.
I am. Oh. Well, good.
I'm leaving Jeffy.
You're leaving Jeffy?
I know he's your brother.
He's just so cold and petty and full of himself.
Yeah, I know.
Wish Grammy happy birthday from me.
Hey, what do you say, you ready? Let's go.
Stephie's leaving Jeffy.
Yeah, I know, I heard. But we're really running late.
Oh, well, that's real sensitive, Fleischman.
My sister-in-law is walking out on my brother.
Believe me, I am torn up about it. There is nothing we can do, all right?
I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, but I don't want to miss this game.
So, can we please get going?
No, Grammy wants to talk to you.
Grammy? She wants to talk to me? Yeah.
What could she possibly want to talk to me about?
I don't know, Fleischman. All I know is that she wants to see you.
O'Connell, I'm not missing this game, all right? I didn't fly 5,000 miles...
to be 30 minutes away from Auburn Hills and to miss the tip-off, all right?
I am not. I've fulfilled my end.
I have played the part, I am not going to miss this game.
Understand me, what I'm saying. I am not.
With or without you, I'm going to that game.
All right. All right, you have two minutes.
It's open.
Hi. Hello.
You wanted to see me, Mrs... Stowe.
Well, come on in. Shut the door.
Look, I think I should tell you, you know, I mean...
if this is about Maggie and I...
if she's led you to believe that I am...
something other than what I am, I just...
want to say that I'm a friend.
You know, I mean, well, not a friend, really, but-
She says she doesn't fancy you.
She likes the other one, the sickly boy.
Mike? Yes.
She says he's very courageous.
Battling for clean air and whatnot.
Oh.
She thinks he's the cat's pajamas.
Why exactly did you want to see me, Mrs. Stowe?
Oh, I've never met a Jewish person before.
I'm sorry?
Well, Bill, that was my husband...
he said that he met one once, in New York.
Yeah, well, you know...
there are definitely a lot of us in the Big Apple.
The fact is, we're all over the place now, so...
Well, you're not in Grosse Point.
You know, the only Jewish people I've ever seen...
are on TV comedies.
Seinfeld, and that little know-it-all on Murphy Brown...
and those nice people on Brooklyn Bridge.
Look, it's been really nice, I'm glad I got a chance to meet you...
but, see, I have this basketball game to get to, so-
Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, Joel.
What? The game? Mike.
Oh.
Sit down.
Here.
You see...
when Jane was five...
Bill and I separated.
Well, I'd been married young...
and here I was in my mid-20s...
with a husband and a little girl in a big house.
I thought I had everything I wanted.
But...
somehow...
my life seemed over.
I don't know, but maybe I just wanted to stir things up.
So, I told Bill I thought it would be a good idea...
if we got away from each other for a little while.
I sent him away.
I started going out with other men.
There was that tall Ralph Hendley...
with the beautiful white teeth.
He was very nice.
But I missed Bill, I missed his smell.
So I asked him back, and he did come, and that was that.
Jane once said...
that she seemed to remember a time when she was very young...
when her father wasn't living with us.
I told her it was just a dream.
Well, she would have held it against me.
Fleischman, Grammy?
What?
Hey, time.
For what?
Basketball game, remember?
It's all right.
I'm ready to go now.
You are?
Okay.
Well...
everyone seems to have enjoyed themselves.
Yeah, it's a mess.
Mmm, chocolate.
Ooh, there she is.
Hello, everyone. Reverend Harding.
Happy birthday, Elizabeth.
You know, I wrote a little homily just for the occasion.
It's...
I must have left it somewhere.
It's all right, Dwight.
Hello, girls. How are the Abyssinians?
Delilah had a litter of seven.
They were eight, but we lost one.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Jeffy, why the sour puss?
Stephie left Jeffy.
Stephie left Jeffy?
She forgot her mittens.
Oh. Remind me to send her a thank you note.
Jane.
The Patersons and the Reeds got tired of waiting. They went home.
Let's not do that.
I was so embarrassed, I didn't know what to say to them.
I hope you're satisfied.
Well, here we all are. Oh, it's so nice of you all to come.
Now, let's go in and open my presents, shall we?
Well, come on now, let's go.
Happy birthday, Grammy. Thank you, darling.
What? I think I owe you an apology, O'Connell.
How's that? Well...
you know how when you said your family was crazy...
and I went on about maturation and the separation process?
Mmm-hmm. Vintage Fleischman.
No. It's a sound psychiatric construct.
But, in your case, I think I recant.
I mean...
you're right, you've got yourself a regular loony bin here.
It's absolutely incredible that you survived.
I don't know, you just, you must be made of something.
Thanks, Fleischman.
Let's go.
"Happy birthday to you"
"Happy birthday, dear Mother"
"Happy birthday to you"